Hey young people! Ever get tired of old people saying that pop music today is just too damn dirty, what with all that cussing and twerking and what have you? And that there's nothing like a good old-fashioned love song from the olden days?
Well, next time you can just reply nah fam, cos I seen the WORDS to those songs, and I be all like [insert ‘shocked/appalled’ gif of choice here]
Because basically love songs from the old days were 99% weird, warped or creepy. You want evidence? Evidence I got.
1. Eddie Hodges: I’m Gonna Knock on Your Door (1961)
I'm gonna knock on your door, ring on your bell
Tap on your window too
If you don't come out tonight when the moon is bright
I'm gonna knock and ring and tap until you do
Eddie Hodges was just 14 when he had a big hit with I’m Gonna Knock on Your Door, or the Stalkers' Manifesto as it could conceivably be subtitled. His subsequent records weren’t nearly as successful, presumably because a court had ordered him not to come within half a mile of the charts.
2. Emile Ford and the Checkmates: What do You Want to Make Those Eyes at Me For? (1958)
You're fooling around with me now
Well you lead me on and then you run away
You have to hand it to whichever twisted old guy from the old days came up with the words to this little gem. Because these lyrics are SO creepy that they make you want to actually call the actual police and report them. First it comes on like some men’s rights dude whining about being put in the friend zone (see above). Then things take a seriously dark turn:
Well that's all right, i'll get you alone some night
And baby you'll find, you're messing with dynamite
And when did you say these threats were made?
Oh, er, 1958 officer…
3. Ringo Starr: You’re Sixteen (1973)
You come on like a dream, peaches and cream
Lips like strawberry wine
You're sixteen, you're beautiful and you're mine
Ringo: hello John Lennon, what are you up to now we’ve stopped being in the Beatles?
John Lennon: Oh I wrote a song about there being no countries and world peace and that. It’s probably going to stop war forever. What about you?
Ringo: I just finished doing a song too.
John Lennon: What’s it about, given that you’re 33 years old and definitely don’t want people to think you’re a perv?
Ringo: erm...
4. Little Jimmy Osmond: Long Haired Lover from Liverpool (1972)
I'll be your long haired lover from Liverpool
And I'll do anything you ask
I'll be your clown or your puppet or your April fool
Cut my hair, I'll even wear a mask
Either I’ve got this completely wrong or this is a song about BDSM sung by a nine year old. And yet 1972 people were like, nothing weird here, get to the top of the charts.
5. Rupert Holmes: Escape (the Pina Colada Song) (1979)
Eddie Hodges: that thing about knocking on doors I did is definitely the most warped love song out there
Rupert Holmes: hold my pina colada
