Love songs from the old days were 99% weird, warped or creepy

Hey young people! Ever get tired of old people saying that pop music today is just too damn dirty, what with all that cussing and twerking and what have you? And that there's nothing like a good old-fashioned love song from the olden days? 

Well, next time you can just reply nah fam, cos I seen the WORDS to those songs, and I be all like [insert ‘shocked/appalled’ gif of choice here]

Because basically love songs from the old days were 99% weird, warped or creepy. You want evidence? Evidence I got.

1. Eddie Hodges: I’m Gonna Knock on Your Door (1961)

I'm gonna knock on your door, ring on your bell

Tap on your window too

If you don't come out tonight when the moon is bright

I'm gonna knock and ring and tap until you do

Eddie Hodges was just 14 when he had a big hit with I’m Gonna Knock on Your Door, or the Stalkers' Manifesto as it could conceivably be subtitled. His subsequent records weren’t nearly as successful, presumably because a court had ordered him not to come within half a mile of the charts.

2. Emile Ford and the Checkmates: What do You Want to Make Those Eyes at Me For? (1958)

You're fooling around with me now

Well you lead me on and then you run away

You have to hand it to whichever twisted old guy from the old days came up with the words to this little gem. Because these lyrics are SO creepy that they make you want to actually call the actual police and report them. First it comes on like some men’s rights dude whining about being put in the friend zone (see above). Then things take a seriously dark turn:

Well that's all right, i'll get you alone some night

And baby you'll find, you're messing with dynamite

And when did you say these threats were made?

Oh, er, 1958 officer…

3. Ringo Starr: You’re Sixteen (1973)

You come on like a dream, peaches and cream

Lips like strawberry wine

You're sixteen, you're beautiful and you're mine

Ringo: hello John Lennon, what are you up to now we’ve stopped being in the Beatles?

John Lennon: Oh I wrote a song about there being no countries and world peace and that. It’s probably going to stop war forever. What about you?

Ringo: I just finished doing a song too.

John Lennon: What’s it about, given that you’re 33 years old and definitely don’t want people to think you’re a perv?

Ringo: erm...

4. Little Jimmy Osmond: Long Haired Lover from Liverpool (1972)

I'll be your long haired lover from Liverpool

And I'll do anything you ask

I'll be your clown or your puppet or your April fool

Cut my hair, I'll even wear a mask

Either I’ve got this completely wrong or this is a song about BDSM sung by a nine year old. And yet 1972 people were like, nothing weird here, get to the top of the charts.

5. Rupert Holmes: Escape (the Pina Colada Song) (1979)

Eddie Hodges: that thing about knocking on doors I did is definitely the most warped love song out there

Rupert Holmes: hold my pina colada

Bark on Track: a dog blogs

Two years ago we adopted Nancy, a rescue dog from Romania. In two weeks she'll be accompanying me on the 50K Peak District Challenge, which I'm hoping to complete within the target time of 12 hours. I've said quite a lot about the event so for the sake of balance I thought I'd ask Nancy herself to write a few words...

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Hey there everybody. My name’s Nancy, I’m four years old, I’m originally from Romania, got kind of yellow hair, a loud voice and I’m sure there’s something else I should tell you about myself oh yes that’s right I’m a dog.

So APPARENTLY I’m doing this Peak District challenge on 23 September. Not that I’ve had much say in the matter. I just came over from Romania like two years ago and I have literally no idea what a peak district even is. Just that this guy who says he ‘rescued’ me says we have to walk for 12 hours to raise money for something called Back on Track. Hey, I just thought of something – BARK ON TRACK! Ha! You can use that if you like. I know what you’re thinking though. This guy’s making me walk 50 KILOMETERS and yet supposedly I’ve been RESCUED? Dude please.

And he keeps banging on about what a big deal this walk is. Like, there’s all this kit you have to have. You need a compass and you have to be able to read a map really well so you don’t get lost up some hill. Knowing him, though, he’ll make a right dog’s breakfast of it. Well I hope so, I’ll be starving!

He also says that he’ll be so tired after the challenge that he’s going to make a reservation for a mini-break. Well he actually said ‘when it’s over I’m going to book a rest’. OK, I said, give my love to the folks back home! Huh, why the blank looks. Come on guys. Book a rest = Bucharest. Why aren’t you laughing. Bucharest. It’s the capital of Romania. Oh, never mind.

Anyway you’re probably wondering what a dog thinks about during a 12 hour walk. Well, I’m a philosophical kind of pooch and I often find that the big questions weigh heavily on my furry shoulders. Like, injustice, conflict and the crushing futility of the doggy condition.

Nah, just messing with ya. It’s sausages.

To sponsor Nancy (and Sam) visit https://www.totalgiving.co.uk/mypage/samturner